My niece Kaela is a fierce mass of kinetic energy. I often tease her with a game I call, Be Completely Still. I'll hold her while she lays across my lap, eyes closed tightly-constantly twitching while her hands and feet wiggle at the ends of otherwise still appendages. She cannot be still, unless she's sleeping.
I have come to love this about her and honestly, the day she is able to play and win Be Completely Still, I'll have a twinge of sadness for the end of her exuberant youth. Hopefully by then, all the jitters will be replaced with vibrant conversation.
Earlier this month we got together as extended family to celebrate my dad's birthday. After dinner and dessert we sat around the living room while the kids played. In a short time we were being treated to a singing rendition of Adele's Hello from McKenna and an interpretive dance from Kaela.
Now, McKenna can sing. She can hold a note, she is on pitch, she even has a vibrato. She's a singer. Knowing the vulnerability of singing, I listen, I smile, and I applaud.
Kaela can sing, but her forte is dancing. She is unabashed, free spirited, and high intensity. It was during this song that she was twirling with a vengeance and then went into the highest velocity windmill arm wind up I have ever seen. I can picture this kid knocking some other kid out with a wild fast pitch softball in her future.
It was this move that struck my funny bone and I laughed. I laughed with a loud boisterous raucous laughter. The kind of laugh you cherish as they seem to be few and far between. She was so blasted adorable with her determined little face, arm blending into the scenery around her for moving so fast.
One moment I was looking at her, the next, she disappeared. Before I knew what happened she was on the floor crying. Her father picked her up and he held her. I was sitting directly across from her. It was getting late, and I was told she gets sensitive when she is tired, but I needed to make it right.
I asked her to come over to me and she did. I asked if I hurt her feelings, she said yes. I asked if she thought I was laughing at her to make fun of her, she said yes. I apologized and said I was laughing because sometimes I laugh when something is so cute because I don't know what else to do. She said, "You could have done this" as she held her tiny hand up to her mouth as to pantomime hiding laughter. See...adorable.
I told her I was sorry and that I was not laughing at her, that I was laughing because she was funny. Talk about memories. I was that child. I remember not understanding the difference. I really thought my parents and older siblings were lying with that one. Even as I said it, I knew it was a losing nuance on the limited experienced mind of a five year old. I know she will grow to learn the difference, but right now, she doesn't give a hoot about it.
And so, I apologized again, and asked if she would dance for us a second time. She said no. I promised not to laugh. She said, but everyone else will laugh. I assured her, they would not. My hope was that she would give me another chance, but more so that she would not let my laughter keep her from doing what she loved.
Before long, she got up, turned on the song and danced. My goodness, what a strong little spirit. She is an example to me, she has no clue what a spitfire she is and how much I want to be like her. I smiled through the whole thing, but didn't laugh. It wasn't funny to me anymore. This time, it was beautiful.
On the way home I thought about the situation. I was disappointed with myself for laughing so loudly, I should have known better. Then I thought about other times she did similar things, and the laughter didn't bother her. On the other hand, she's older now, she's going to school, she has many more messages coming at her constantly and that self awareness, that double edged sword, that blasted and glorious self awareness is very real to her now. She's still learning it.
And so I thought that though it wasn't wrong to laugh, it hurt someone I care about. To protect someone I love, I happily gave up my right to laugh based on the fact that she thought it was malicious. Her thinking it was malicious didn't make it wrong, it made it hurtful. I am free to laugh, I am free not to laugh. I am free to dance, free not to dance. Free to drink alcohol because Jesus drank wine not grape juice (stop lying to people), free not to drink alcohol. Being right isn't as important as being protective or showing love.
Who knew an obnoxious laugh and an adorable determined dancer could lead to such a revelation? Well, I guess that is just another example of how God can redeem anything.
Peace
© 2016 Stacy Rapp
