Wednesday, January 5, 2022

Raise A What Now?

 

The events of the last two years could be inserted into the lyrics of We Didn’t Start the Fire as a continuation of the already overwhelming list of historical events that have layered the reality of where we find ourselves today. Not only do I already not like that song because I find it impossible to remember the lyrics to sing along, I also do not have the physical, emotional, or spiritual fortitude to listen to such a rapidly syncopated retelling of the events.

And yet, as we near the end of the year, it is good practice to reflect on the year and raise our ebenezers to the testament of God’s goodness, even among the things we do not call good. The word ebenezer makes me think of the hymn Come Thou Fount. “Here I raise my ebenezer, hither by thy help I’m come.”  I always pictured someone raising a glass as though there would be a toast to God’s goodness. I watched too many movies and I guess Scrooge drinking was etched in my brain.

Ebenezer means stone of help and is found in 1 Samuel 7:12, set up as a stone of commemoration of how God helped the Israelites. When they walked by the ebenezer, they were to remember God’s goodness. 12 Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer,[b] saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

I imagine the remembrance of the Lord’s help was a combination of joy mixed with sorrow. Some Israelites never got to see the stone and their loved one’s memories no doubt held pain. Some may have wondered why the help seemed to stop or what the point of the help is if there isn’t continued rest in the place they found themselves. I wonder if after the last few years, we may also be raising our ebenezers in remembrance while being conflicted as to how to feel about it.

We are complicated beings and rarely experience one pure emotion. The joy of birth is forged through pain. The loss of a suffering loved one leaves our tears communicating both loss and relief and often self judgement for feeling any of it. I find it fitting to raise my ebenezer and acknowledge the competing emotions it brings after this stressful time of pandemics, political conundrums, job loss, schooling, and, and, and – it has been a doozie of time!

And still, I find myself worshiping this Christmas season with a grounded sense of what hope is. John 1:5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” We may feel the darkness and wonder if the light will ever shine again. Perhaps the ebenezer was bumped into a time or two after sunset or before sunrise, in carelessness.  Perhaps we need to walk directly into, around, next to, and climb all over that ebenezer to remember the help we have. He has been our help and he will be our help again.

So, in this complicated time, may we see with fresh eyes the beauty of the gift of Emmanuel, God with us. Regardless of the stresses of the socioeconomic, religious, political, abusive, or any other system we may be encountering, he is with us. He is our help, and we can bring all our complicated feelings to him. And like the first Christmas, may you see the light shining in the darkness illuminating your ebenezer and celebrate the one who is still with us. 

Sunday, July 21, 2019

The Object of Our Faith


As Christians we are taught to and learn to place our trust and faith in Christ alone for our salvation.  The Bible is clear, there is no other name under heaven by which we must saved (Acts 4:12).  I have found the practice of that truth extends far beyond the reaches of the need for salvation and into the minutia of our everyday needs. 

Recently I found myself in a situation in which I was praying fervently for God to provide my need.  I prayed believing God is able to do exceedingly above all I can ask or think (Eph. 3:20).  I kept praying, “Lord, help me to trust in you”.  Multiple times a day, each time the fear or anxiety appeared, I turned it into a prayer. 

Quickly I saw where I thought God was leading and built a picture around the dots I could see.  Only my picture was connected by dots that were not given to me.  I have faith God can do anything, only I turned it into faith he would do the “anything” I was hoping he would do. 

When the picture dissolved and I was left standing on the same first dot, I began to wonder what happened.  In his graciousness God showed me I had moved the object of my faith.  I said and I believed I had faith in him.  In actuality, I had faith in the solution I chose - the person I thought would be helping me, the situation I thought would be resolved, the next step I thought I would take, the miracle I thought would happen.  Faith in anything other than God himself is a faith in the unworthy. 

I placed myself in a precarious position when I changed the object of my faith from the one who offers himself as the culmination of all hope to the hope of receiving the gifts he is able to offer.  Do I want God or the things he can give me?  Am I the older son (Luke 15:11-32) waiting for the payoff of a life of hard work or am I spending time with the father because time with the father is the payoff?

I often misinterpret Matt. 17:20 talking about having faith to move mountains as having faith the mountains would be moved.   There is a subtle yet very tragic nuance to the difference.  I turn faith into a wish, a first choice pleading that if I persist God will give me what I want.  I should be praying for what is placed on my heart, but I should be praying trusting if the first choice turns into the seventh choice, God’s will is being accomplished and he is as faithful as he ever was and I can continue to trust him even though my flesh says he has no idea what he is doing. 

God is more interested in moving the internal mountains of stubbornness, pride, anxiety, unbelief, doubt, fear, and anger, than the obstacles I’m pointing out to him, as though he is unaware.  Once I am broken and see the futility of putting my trust in anything other than the I AM, I can be rebuilt into who I was made to be, a person whose hope and faith rest in the only one worthy of it.  The object of my faith makes all the difference. 

Friday, September 7, 2018

Remembering


Two years ago, I had to say goodbye to my grandmother, my nana, my friend.  Growing up with five siblings and even more cousins, there was not usually a time for one on one conversation.  When I became an adult and moved closer to her home I was able to visit her quite often.  What seemed weird at first to have all her attention for any length of time became a treasure.   



It started out as dinner in her apartment, she’d cook, I’d offer to help, but there would be none of that.  Then as she advanced in years, she went to assisted living and still I’d visit and though there were no meals, there certainly was a drawer stocked full of bingo snack winnings.  I was to take one, preferably two things and I knew from years of experience refusing was a lost cause. 

We’d talk about going to the park on campus of the facility and we did a few times, but not as many as we’d hoped.  Either weather, time, health, or any other of so many variables that in hind sight seem ridiculous not to do something kept us from seizing the day. 

The last time I was able to visit her in her room, we tried to go for a walk.  She wasn’t feeling steady on her feet, and I wasn’t skilled in helping someone get into a wheel chair.  We tried once and I would have tried again, but she said no and I knew I needed to respect her wishes, but I also had a feeling this would be the last time I visited her and I felt guilty for not being able to take her to the park. 

That day she complimented me as she did many times.  Nothing like a nana’s kindness to boost the ego.  But I knew she was sincere and I never doubted once she loved me and was speaking her honest thoughts to me.  It was about half way through my visit when she was telling me of all the people who visited her and she told me she saw her mother who lived across the courtyard.  She tried to stand up and look out the window behind her. 

I looked out the window to see the other side of the building and the perfectly manicured lawn between the perfectly smooth walkways.  I asked, her about it to make sure I heard her correctly.  I said, “Who did you say lived there?” She said again her mother.  She said “Don’t you remember her?”  Now for years her timeline had been off and every time I’d answer matter of factly, no I didn’t know whoever she was talking about that was a character in her story far before my entrance.  Not in a way of shaming, but just to be honest while still being engaged in the story.   

I said, “No Nana, I never met your mother.”  “Well she lives right there.” She tried to get up again and she stood enough to look and she pointed so certainly in the same direction.  She was so sure of it, and her clarity in the rest of the conversation was so accurate.  It reminded me of stories of people having visions of heaven.  It reminded me of my own grandfather, her husband who a few days before he died, whispered, “It’s so beautiful.” She told me she thought he had seen heaven.   

I thought she also was seeing the veil between heaven and earth lift and as I sat there and thought of all of this and what it would mean, I started to cry.  I couldn’t hold it in, I hoped she wouldn’t see and tried to look away.  She did see and she said, “Why are you crying?” I knew I couldn’t unload all of that on her, so I said, “I just like visiting you.”  She said, “ I like when you visit me too!” 

Turns out that was the last time I visited her in that room.  In the next week or two she would be in the hospital and the hope was she would return to the room she had been in and I’d be able to sit with her and hear more stories. That was not to be.  I did get to visit while she was in the hospital.  Even in the hospital she was a riot.  She had a way of saying the most common things with the funniest inflection.  I left thinking she was on the mend, so I was surprised to hear when she had passed away. 

Starting a few years before she died I’d visit and she would say, “I just don’t know why I’m here.” This of course struck sadness to my soul for what must come unless the rapture happened.  I’d quickly say, “It’s because we love you and God wants you here.”  But she’d say it again as if to say what is my purpose?  Interesting how we never outgrow our need to know what our purpose is.  And I thought of her sitting in her room waiting for visitors or the next activity.  How so much of life is spent working so frantically and autonomously and then to find you are relying on someone else for nearly everything. 

I’d always joke with her that she had however many years left as she was old.  When it was ninety-four, she said, “Oh, no, I don’t want that!”  I’d joke and say, “Well it’s not up to you, I say another ninety-four.” We would agree no it wasn’t up to her and it wasn’t up to me either.  And she’d say with all the fire a ninety-four-year-old woman with arthritis could muster as she pointed into the air as if to underline the spoken word, “He’s been so good to me.”  And so even with her question of why so long for this earth, she saw the goodness of God throughout her life and even in the present.
  
I have so many questions about heaven.  What kind of work will we do? How do we recognize each other?  If we aren’t given in marriage, will I have to visit my Nana and my Pop-Pop in different locations?  Will any of this matter to me once I’m there? 

It’s difficult for me to think of heaven with any sense of certainty other than my Savior is there and because of His substitution for sin, burial, and resurrection, I know I’ll be there along with all the saints who have believed in it also.  I have visions of the garden restored and being able to walk with Him – true relationship resolution.  There is part of me though that wonders how much of our personality is pure, not needing to be changed entirely. 

I wonder if when I get to heaven I’ll see a man who has a bucket of corn chips and gallons of ice cream ready for visitors.  If there will be a woman who has a table full of mashed potatoes, carrots, onions, and all sorts of food laughing the best laugh I’ve ever heard.  Maybe some other man will have a stack of records and always have them playing when you visit so you have the backdrop of music to the conversation.  And I wonder if there is some lady with a serving dish full of mixed nuts walking around all the gatherings handing a napkin to everyone allowing them to take their fill from the dish, its contents never running out.  I’d be able to recognize them all for certain then. 

Maybe in years to come people will visit me and I will say, “My Nana lives just over there, do you remember her?”  Whatever the ending will be, I know the place I am going, whether it be thinly veiled or heavily concealed.  He is with me now, He prepares a place for me, and He will be there - The One for whom my soul longs and the object of all the praise the saints have to offer.  And though on this earth we might wonder why we are here or what the purpose is, in that place, there will be no question as to why we are there or what we are to do. 

My heart is sad for missing those who have gone before me, but my spirit is envious they are with their Savior; in the presence of fullness, no more questions, no waiting, only perfection.  And when you see it like that, I cannot help but celebrate the lives of those so cherished here knowing they are home with the One who cherishes perfectly and completely.    

Stacy Rapp © 2018

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

The Suffering of Comparison

The statement has been made and the quote has often been repeated, "Comparison is the thief of joy."
I did some digging, the quote is attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, some say Christian writer, Dwight Edwards could also have been the originator.  At least the author of the blog, www.dadislearning seems to think so.  Regardless of the origins of the thought, I will say it is a good one.

I won't just say it is a good thought, I will say it is true.  Sometimes people say things that sound good, but on further consideration are really just misplaced balloons of hope that will eventually leave you deflated and confused.  If anything I wonder if the quote goes far enough.  Perhaps the issue is not within the quote as much as the application of it.

Every time I've heard someone say comparison is the thief of joy, it has been in the context of either a material possession or a position or status, such as a job or a GPA.    Now, to be disappointed your car is five years old when someone's is six months old, sure, don't let the age of your car rob you of the joy of getting where you need to go.

Or you graduated cum laud and the rival you've had for four years is magna cum laud.  Again, you completed an education with honors, don't focus on the "shortcoming" of missing out on magna.  These are good things to remember.

Okay, so everyone seems to be fine with that application.  Then we go to physical appearance.  Everyone is judged on physical appearances every day.  Before we know we have bodies we are gathering cues on how people react to us based on the ones we occupy.  We are born into comparison.  And yet, we inevitably reach the age when an older, wiser person will tell us that we are unique and we should not compare our stature, weight, chest, legs, rear, or anything else with anyone else's because we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).  And so we march off with that beautiful Truth and feel victorious for five seconds until that same person tells us to look at someone who is even more so the embodiment of the thing we like the least about ourselves...

We are left wondering what to do with that.  The admonition to not compare ourselves with others seems to only work from the bottom up and not the top down.  Isn't this intrinsically flawed and so far off the mark as to what this idea is to point us to; which is contentment for what we have and who we are? I didn't catch on to this until I was in my mid twenties.

In being a Christian woman, many things are slowed down from how the world lives, but the opposite is often sped up.  What I mean is I was not encouraged to date at a young age, but I was questioned at a young age why I wasn't married.  The pressure in the church to marry young is real people, real.  At twenty-five I was questioned about why I wasn't married, if I wanted to get married, if I wanted kids, if I knew it would be best to start to have kids by age thirty, and I should be married for at least two years before that would happen to have some alone time and... and... and. All the while still being told to hold onto the idea that the man is to lead.  So, I'm supposed to not date young, marry young, not be the initiator, but then why aren't you married? Got it, makes sense. 

Then the age of thirty began to creep up rather quickly which was a blessing and a curse.  I say that because up to this point in my life I bought the lie that was never verbalized, but every day implied by myriad of people that Dean Martin was indeed correct, and you are "...nobody until somebody loves you."  It was a blessing in that the day after turning thirty, the questions stop.  Yes, that is right, you are now officially a lost cause and will never be given the courtesy of being an option for marriage to anyone.  Unless of course that person is socially feral or twenty years older than you are.  Forget anyone your own age or heaven forbid the horror - younger! 

Prior to this, I learned the difficult way, that comparison is crap.  From December of 2005 to July of 2006, three of my closest girlfriends got married.  Now listen, I am thrilled for them.  Their husbands are for each one of them.  I in no way am jealous of them for the person they married, but I wanted to be married also.  And up til then, I had learned to soothe my fears of being single forever with, "Well at least so and so is still single and they are awesome!"  So when three awesome people get married and you are the one left, well, it makes you feel not so awesome.

And that is when I realized, comparison in any way is absolute foolishness.  Any comparison of up, down, lateral - all of it is a moving target.  When someone else's circumstances change and yours don't, it seems as if they do.  Because instead of fixing our eyes on Jesus, we are trained from an early age to fix our eyes on the person who is worse off or in the same boat.  Peter got out of the boat and fixed his eyes on Jesus, when he looked away and saw all the chaos going on laterally he started sinking.

Please stop modeling the dysfunctional and wrong theology of commiserating comparison.  You are not alone, but it isn't because someone has the same struggle as you do, it is because Jesus came in human form to be Emmanuel - God with us (Matt. 1:23).  Let that be the consolation, the joy, the victorious attitude we leave with people worrying about how they stack up compared to others.  The world will always offer us comparison, we as believers need to put that rubbish away, and give in its place the unwavering Truth of God's beautiful and always faithful plan to bring us to Himself.  We may absolutely despise many parts of that plan, but in the surrender to Him in the midst of whatever we are "lacking" we can find hope that He is in no way slow in giving us what we need to know Him more (2 Peter 3:8-9).  And shouldn't that be the thing we want our children and young people to know?

Stacy Rapp © 2018

The Power of Prayer and the Weight of Practice

I have been thinking about prayer a lot lately.  I've been thinking about it for many years really, but I've been able to recently put into thought what I've been feeling.

Prayer is a blessing, a command, an invitation, a burden, a joy, a never ending process.  We have the ability and privilege of speaking to the God of all things.  The person who spoke light into being has asked us to meet with Him in prayer.

I know the one to whom we pray is mighty, is able, is listening.  I  know the one to whom we pray is loving, wants to give us good things, and waits for us to ask so that He may bless us.  I also know the One to whom we pray is not in any way obligated to grant me my request.

We are to pray believing He will give us what we ask for when we ask in Jesus name.  Is that why we say "In Jesus name amen" as if to say no punch backs? We are given acronyms of ACTS to adore, confess, thank, and supplication or ask.  Is this the formula that God rewards?  Do we adore him to butter Him up, confess so he hears us and listens, thank him as one final smooth over, and then drop the line we've been bursting to say since moment one? What games do we play and why?

Prayer is something that is alive, prayer is a conversation with my creator.  Am I going to surprise Him? Am I going to find the perfect method or order to always receive my requests.  I pray, I pray all the time, every day, with expectation.  Those expectations are many times left unmet.

In the waiting, I have been told to take action, to modify the prayer for a simpler request, to believe it will happen because it is a desire He gave me. 

I have a friend who is a fierce prayer warrior.  Her faith that her prayers will be answered is an encouragement to me.  When she says she will pray for me, I believe her.  I not only believe her, I believe she will pray with a fervent, invested, hopeful prayer.  She hopes with me.  She empathizes with me in prayer.  She has shed tears for me, with me, showing me, it matters to her personally.  This is all a gift.  When the request is yet unmet, what does that mean?

It means He understands.  It means, he's given me people to walk with me, to watch and pray.  It means He catches the tears because every one is precious.  It means obedience is often the blessing.  It means, He is still good, and that the withholding of what I want is the most loving thing He can do at the moment.  It means the confusing part of living out this faith is to be expected.

Pray on, believing He is good and His glory will be made known throughout the nations and in your own life.  He sees you.



Stacy Rapp © 2018